12 days

in 12 days i am suppose to travel to my bfs country,meet his family, get marrried a week after.

it hasnt been good,not really. i was doing really well this week,eating just veggies,fruits and 1 joghurt a day approx. 500-600cal.untill yesterday i craved for cheese and after i had some,decided what the heck,i have scrrewed up already.damn it
then,we had argument. wouldnt you be a bit offended if your bf would be stupidly smiling at the very beautiful girl from reception and ignoring you,after telling he was just helping his friend who was trying to get her attention?! and wouldnt even admit i could feel bad about it,but say,you're always like this..as if it was nothing that could possibly make me feel bad.then he said,if you dont like smth,you dont have to be with me.and we started having sex not so often. we used to have sex every day,sometimes twice.now its good if it happens once a week.and thats when i talk him into that.

i really dont know anymore whats gonna happen,i am about to give up.i have bp today,feeling lonely and unsatisfied i am trying to replace it by food.then i realize what i have done and purge.which leads to feeling hungry again and making a circle.since its german celebration today,everyone has free,my bf is meeting this friend at his hotel and i am alone at home fighting myself.
dont know where to get some energy,dont know if i want to get married anymore,what if he doesnt,i feel like i have fucked up,this relationship and dont know if there is a way to mend it somehow.
while really,everything could be so good
just need to help,myself
you know how?

p.s. thanks for your comments,i appreciate them lots

has been a while..

..since i realised it was time to get back on track
and i have been doing well,mostly.
the worst thing was when my bfriend started telling me that for him its cruical that a girl next to him has a good body,which offended me.in a way he was saying i had gotten fat.we had a really big,hurtful discussion,as he told me i had gained some weight since we started dating etc. so i was really hurt,as i hadnt gained that much (2kilos) for hime to tell me smth like that. after some hours of my ignorance,tears and his thoughts,he told me he didnt think i was fat. just wanted me to know i can spend my money on me,not like before when it all went on us,food,rent. that he thought i was the most beautiful looking girl,and never wanted to hurt me,its just the way our discussion went that he couldnt stop himself form saying all that shit.
anyway,it was already 2 weeks since i had been eating 1000kcal max and they came from fruits,veggies,youghurt. just a week ago i was in latvia,and i weighed myself after a long time and a month of eating healthy,few and not after 6pm.55kg showed the scale,and i am 164cm tall. which is a very good weight for me..and it felt good.
however one day there i slipped,then coming back it happened again with an evening at home,bear and pizza.followed another day with 'normal food' grilled chicken and potatoes.yesterday i realized just how important is for me to feel good about what i eat,and how feeling good with my body,walking home half-naked and feeling confident is much more exciting rather then eating all the food i would want,whenever i want.
bless me,for this.i really hope i will be strong to go on. besides i have my own wedding in one month,so i got to look great.
it all just depends on me,thank you for your comments,they really motivate me to stay on track!
kisses

pretty shitty

have been feeling low,very low. just realized i have gained some weight lately,look miserable in eveything,dont even feel like having sex as my bfriend would see my fat body.so i have to start doing something..an emotional eater its who i am,but the fact is,when i feel fat i also feel bad and i have to comfort myself with food.so now when i feel down,i will think about how beautiful i will look after some weeks when i have lost at least 3 kilos,should help,hopefully
have to work late tomorrow,as roomaids have the most amount of work during the weekend,so at least i wont eat so much,nothing when i come at home.my goal now is to eat more or less proper breakfast,salad and maybe a piece of bread at work and then fruits or veggies after work and everything only until six pm. should work just fine
today we are moving,and this new flat is so small its scaring me,we might get in serious trouble there,regarding our relationship,which has been struggling a lot lately..
i can do it,right i want to feel confident,beautiful and sexy,damn it!!!

sunny days here in berlin

after almost one year spent in berlin, i realize how much i actually want to get away from here.cant say i dont like the city or the country. i guess staying long at one place is just very not like me.
as for now,me and my lovely boyfriend are planning to move to the uk,however before that there are many things  to be done. one of them would be getting married,maybe too soon. but feels just right.
very curious,how its gonna be..with this guy who makes me laugh,smile,scream and cry sometimes too. cant say its perfect,but is it ever perfect?
can say its good,really good. and i hope it will get better with time coming
one thing i dont really like  is his chatting with other girls,which he says is ok..not so om for me though,but i am learning to accept it
my two free days of work,starting today.no plans,feels great
kinda  serious for a 19year old i guess,but one of my biggest wishes
one of them is also to finally start studying,wherever it will happen
sun has tendency to make people happy,me?just thoughtful,very

 very thoughtful

have a great day everyone,and dont think too much makes it hard to enjoy free time
besos